her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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