I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We smell like vodka and hangover
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