Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sext me about skeletons
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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