My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
