after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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