I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize