I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
