i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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