i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
