Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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