You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
where are my eyebrows?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
