i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
