i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
