he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
