please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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