I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
