I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
