Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
