I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
