apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
