Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
