my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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