Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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