You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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