Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize