I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
