if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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