My room smells like vodka and shame
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
