There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My cat gives me a boner
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
