did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize