apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
