If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
