If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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