I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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