Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize