The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
