The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
