I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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