Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
