My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
