The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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