this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
