sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize