fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
