this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
