I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
