I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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