sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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