I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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