my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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