the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need water and some morals
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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