Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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