I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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