im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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