my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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