i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize