you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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