Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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