It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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