i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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