I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
